A world of words and conjugations to explore. As F. R. David say in one of their songs "words don't come easy". In attempt to contradict that quote, I will try to share all the toughs and creations stuck in my mind, continuously screaming to get out. I don't expect comprehension, I don't expect any kind of kindness from you. I prefer simple, straight, honest opinions about what you read. I could say that I don't care what you think, but that would be bullshit. Everybody cares about what others think, even if it's the worst thing you can possibly imagine or feel. Because at the end of the day, that counts. As for writers that supposedly write what come from their inside and don't give a crap about what the readers think about their pieces, well, that's just a lie. They write with a purpose, I write with a purpose, and that purpose is quite understandable; to please their audience. Every writer supposedly has one. You are not obliged to like what I write, nor other writers. However, if someone's writing pleases the person who reads it, then I'm sure, next time he writes, he'll have that person in mind. We can see from many successful examples in the industry. On how a first book lead to a second one and so forth. The audience liked, the book sold out. The writer knew that if it was that incredibly successful, the structure, the alignment, were correctly done. The conclusion was easy to take, the public liked it. So yes, writers care. Although our creations stems from our imagination or living experiences, we feel achieved when our work is acknowledged by others. It feels good to write? Yes. It feels indeed. For itself, it helps fleeing from this life and embody some character, or some feeling that we think might me interesting to write about. Nevertheless, the bigger ability of pleasing our public will increase our responsibility towards him, and thus increase our motivation to improve and explore new horizons. It's like a spiral. We write so you can judge us according to our words, our statements, our way to see our surroundings and ourselves. But, at any point, don't think we don't care about your thoughts. They can and will help us on the long road. Everyone aims for Perfection. We ear many times there is no such thing. Well, perhaps we can't achieve perfection. I'm sure I'm still far away of being anywhere near greatness. Yet, I write. Good things, bad things, awful, unstructured things. Some inaccurate, others just terrible to read, maybe. But that's the journey I have to make and endure. To become a better writer? For sure. To achieve something? Also. So, what's the main goal? That must come from inside us, mine is to improve myself, to keep pushing and pushing, to see how far I can go. Everything is lived like an experience. Going on a trip, visiting a new city, reading a new book... And this, this is one of my own. John Waine
This time it did not cost much to start talking. The simplest and most humane act of speaking, talking, it seems, though little, help throw the bad things in my head out. I honestly feel a little change. A little acceptance in relation to what is happening in, to where I am and how alone I feel. It is a paradigm, I know. But changes are made this way within seconds. Stupidly, or as a normal reaction that can be, even with those closest I can talk about what I feel, what I have, what is it, absolutely nothing.
I can not talk to anyone, I am ashamed. I feel ashamed of myself, I feel disgusted with myself. I am repulsed by what is happening to me, how everything remains difficult and complicated to overcome. And what's missing? I dunno. Starts missing a part of my new attitude towards others perhaps. I do not know what to pursue, what to look for. I wanted a person, a friend, a friend, someone!, Able to be with me, grab me and help.
I do not want cars, money, expensive clothes. For what? I just wanted to be happy. Back to be so finally after all this sadness and loneliness. I can not go on like this, I can not. Discouraged, helpless, listless and lonely. All this makes my day-to-day darker and gloomy. How I wish I could go on, go out and be happy. Walking, laughing, joking, being a young man like many others are. And yes, I'm enumerating again. Harnessing all this that I have around me in the best way possible.
But this time, no more than a tear of joy in my head. They say that being happy is easy. Simply we just have to want to. I want it so badly. If I could make a wish, it would be this, to be finally happy smile. I did not want all the happiness for me. He shared it with the rest of the world and with people who also need. I just wanted a little bit, small but enough to make me feel good and give me strength to continue. That at least gave me the opportunity to feel what it is to smile again with ease. I know, I know that when we are happy, anything however insignificant it is makes us smile. Makes us dream.
I'm sick and tired. Tired of having no where else to turn to beyond this dark and abandoned place. I would like to feel able to tell if there is another way beside this I am going, cleaner simpler less complicated and enjoyable.
It is a true disillusionment. Instead of feeling better, I feel increasingly buried in this dark and lonely mind. A horrible feeling inside that I have to live with and deal with. It's not fair to want so much to be happy without being able to have a sincere smile. I never thought getting to that point. At the point unable to react to anything. The hate everything I see in the mirror, all that is happening, because it is not fair or makes sense. Why all this is happening? Why does everything go wrong from the beginning? Why is the world changing and I never fit in?
I no longer fit in anywhere. it is sad to see all inserted in something, be part of something beyond them, and I can not. Nothing makes sense. And I believe it takes strength and faith to move forward, but it's been all this for too long. It is already to much patience and belief.
Days, weeks, months. And what should I believe in? Have confidence and faith that everything will be fine? Give up once and for all? Stop thinking that sooner or later my life is going to change? That what I want and need will come up?
I would like to have a direction, a guidance. After everything that happened I think I deserved better and a different ending.
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